Growing up from a big family of five children and the second to the youngest child, I was definitely a mix of an introvert and an extrovert. As an introvert I was a total bookworm, I love reading Marvel and Japanese anime comics, I do my homework in the car on the way home so I can have more time reading after dinner, and I was wearing thick specs at a young age (I had Lasik in my teen). As an extrovert, I like hanging out with aunties over high-tea as I find it fancy to dress up. However, I don’t remember I have ever spoken a word or two in any event I just simply love the high-tea vibe.
My older sisters are definitely outspoken than me and when I was young, I had pressure from my mum to join in beauty contests just because she believed I will enjoy it, plus to make extra money from the local contest was convincing enough to her to force me. Lol
My mum wasn’t happy whenever I disagreed with her. She will start to compare me to my sisters that they are smarter than me and I just have a pretty face making me feel like an idiot. My relationship with my mother was not stable as it involved in emotional highs and lows that led me to have insecurity in my relationship with people.
So, when I was a teenager whilst other teens are planning for summer camp or getting a new boyfriend, I was planning to leave the house and I wished to grow up fast. I applied for every scholarship I can possibly pass, and I looked for jobs that are available for my age. If someone will ask me to wash their car for a few bucks, I will do it. I will do everything to make ends meet. I was fortunate to have an opportunity to move to Singapore at a young age through education.
FINDING FRIENDS AT SCHOOL
My uni friends were also introvert and nerd like me. We talked a lot about the latest games on PSP and we spent our Saturday night at Timezone before we watch a movie. I like to play Super Mario Bros and Street Fighter games in the arcade I remember winning a lot of Timezone tickets. I was definitely not the coolest kid at school but I was someone and still I am the chic who can fix your computer, and advice you how to resell your gears. My first hustle money when I sold my PSP and Xbox on eBay.
But as time goes by my mates started to have a boyfriend and I was left alone in the group having the pressure to date whoever else is available and easy to have a Starbucks coffee with. I was shy, uninteresting, and reclusive so I didn’t have many dates before as there was also nothing much to share over coffee. I don’t travel as much as my peers travel (my parents can’t afford it), and I don’t have a fun adventure. I was just really a low-key and ordinary student who can’t wait to graduate from school.
I gave up the idea of having a social life and I focused on doing my thing. I was perfectly content – I love staying home by myself, and I spend a lot of time watching videos on YouTube (after MySpace was gone).
I HAD AN AHA MOMENT!
I have been playing video games for as long as I can remember and when I claimed I play video games, it means I’m an ultimate keyboard warrior. Lol In 2014, when I moved to Boston for my studies one day I was bored in the dorm and so I Google about video games competition around my area and I found one! I signed up, I competed in Street Fighter games, and I win. The dudes in the contest told me I should try live stream as I was good. I remember being shy receiving the cash prize of $1,000 on stage and I left the event as fast as I could so I can treat myself a nice Lobster steak in Cambridge.
That event when I had an aha moment that I should build my gaming channel on YouTube. However, at that time I was not confident that I am good enough to be a Youtuber, or my skills are professional enough for a gamer. It has taken a lot of years to gain confidence. I was and still I am definitely insecure about myself.
BUILDING MY GAMING STATION
A few years ago, I spent a lot of money on gears and some are gifts from my “fans” when I was a live streamer on Twitch. I got this limited edition of the SFV arcade stick from Japan shipped to Singapore while I bought the gaming posters from Boston and Los Angeles.
Definitely, my bedroom doesn’t look like a grown up person sleeps there and if you don’t know me well, you would probably assume I have a deprived childhood. Lol But honestly, I’m just a typical geek who is into computer stuff, tech, and video games. If you are someone looking for a chic who is seductive and romantic, I am definitely not that person.
MY FANTASY IN A RELATIONSHIP
I don’t always share my fantasy because when I do, it is not hot. Haha.
1) I fantasize to have a gaming room with my partner and both of us have a gaming desk of our own. It is like he got me, I got him, and we got this kinda vibe.
2) Instead of Netflix and chill, we will both download movies because technically we can, and then we will watch it in our huge projector at home with our dog name, Mr. Lebowski (from the movie Mr. Lebowski).
3) We will do photography together and we will process the film in VSCO. If we are unhappy, we will edit our own presets because we can.
4) I will do the video games while he will edit the videos for my YouTube channel.
5) We will re-watch Lord of the Rings and The Godfather series with Cheetos, Korean chicken wings and lots of cheese.
6) We will attend a Geek convention like Comic-Con and he will not recognize me in my outfit. Lol
7) We will play video games on briefcase pc.
8) We will have a small apartment because I don’t like a big house anyway and we can’t afford one either.
9) We will have a super low-key wedding and we will have pressure to select the best five guests. I want an unbothered and budget wedding.
10) We will have children and instead of tablets, I will make their mini-briefcase pc. Our babies’ first language will be html of, “Hello, World” to Python after K2.
EMBRACING MY TRUESELF
Fast forward in 2020, since the beginning of Covid-19, I’ve quarantined myself at home even I am not sick and I spent a lot of time processing my idea how to work online. I’ve finally come to terms with just how nerdy I really am. I created the business model of our fintech startup, I planned the operations remotely, I slowly practicing video games, and I built my briefcase pc. I feel that this time, I will do my best to protect my feelings away from the pressure and expectations of others from me.
I understand that the gaming industry is a saturated market and may I add that are many professional female gamers who are by the way younger and hotter than me. Lol However, I will just do my best to create content that is good and entertaining enough to watch on YouTube. I still have no idea how to edit videos professionally though but I will get to that part later.
It’s taken me many years to fully embrace my authentic self. It has certainly not been easy getting here as I am worried my choices of lifestyle, career, and social image will affect how people see me as a professional. I am also worried that I will be unloved because I came true to myself that I just want to do my thing online – hustle, build computer, blog and be a pro gamer. Over the years, I dug deeper and leaned even harder into myself. I will create my gaming channel, I will continue to feed my hobby in tech, and I will find love that I will build my desires and dreams around him.
If I am not practicing video games on briefcase pc, I work on my other briefcase pc. It is a slimmer version made of Raspberry Pi component.